Needing Me. Needing You.

Today started off on a sad note.I woke up late, again. Not getting a full nights sleep has begun to take its toll on my body, but I guess it could be worse. 

I had a dentist appointment scheduled with my aunt (thank the lord for Zia Rosie) and I was running around trying to make it there when Mom woke up. She immediately went into full panic mode and began crying,begging and pleading with me NOT to go...not to leave her. 

I felt completely awful. She was crying so hard she couldn't even catch her breath. I didn't know what to do. I was already late for a much needed (and difficult to get) dental appointment. But this was my mom....and she was begging for me not to go. What does one do in a heartbreaking situation such as this. :(

Thankfully my little brother, Robbie, heard us in the livingroom and came out to assure her that she would not be alone and that I would be back and he would stay with her to make sure she was alright.

I have to admit, I had a hard time leaving her. She just seemed so incredibly sad and panic stricken, her worry was totally genuine...I almost burst into tears. 

And thats another thing...I have been trying my best to keep it together in my moms or ANYONES presence for that matter (crying, losing it...you know). i think it makes the rest of the world believe I am as strong as an ox. Little does everyone know i feel like I am suffocating with my hands tied behind my back. Its like I don't even have the strength to scream. Its a horrible prison-like feeling. It's just awful.

So, I went to the appointment (although I was late) and the whole time I was there I could not stop thinking about how upset she was about me leaving her. I was anxious, I was worried, I was sad....It completely took over my mind and body. I just couldnt wait to get out of that dentist chair and back home to my mom, that way I'd know she was fine, because I was home. UGH!!! Time couldn't go by slower when there is somewhere else you'd rather be.

Finally the appointment was done, I found my self speed walking to the car and driving like a bat out of hell to get back home. When I got there, my mom came right to me and began to cry yet again. Saying that she had thought I had left her.It made me so sad to think of what she may have felt like while I was gone, thinking that I had abandoned her. What a horrible feeling. I assured her that that would never happen.

Now, with me and my mom in the doorway locked in what seemed like a hug that lasted forever, I felt so comforted with her in my arms. I felt relief in knowing she felt better with me there. And in turn made me feel calm and content.

Maybe I needed her just as much as she needed me?