So.....
I guess after the endless amount of advice given to me about talking about my emotions, my thoughts and fears...I thought It may just not be that bad of an idea. After all...it doesn't seem like anything could get any worse so why not give it a shot, right? So here goes....
My name is Jamie. I am 29 years young and until recently believed that good things happen to good people. It was in May of 2009, one day that not only changed my life forever but a day that the universe asked me an absolute IMPOSSIBLE request. It was until THAT day that I thought I knew everything about myself. It wasn't until THAT day that I felt completely and utterly powerless. It was THAT day that my mother was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. And that was an impossible reality to come to terms with.
You know...you say cancer these days and everyone can share a story of a family member or loved one. Some share stories of a miracle and others devastation.
You can never really know how seriously evil and excruciating this disease really is until you see it in the eyes of someone you not only love, but owe your whole existence to. And there is nothing more unfair in this life than watching your mother cry in pain, fear and defeat and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I don't wish anyone has to experience this as I have. I feel like a superhero that has been stripped of her powers. It's completely heartbreaking.
Now...I am hoping with this new outlet to not only create a place where I can let go of some crazy emotional steam, but also receive some advice and support, have a chance to honour wonderful memories and stories that my mother continues to bring to my world everyday. Even a place I can tell my mom the things I don't yet have the courage to say.
Thank You
To be a mother is not an easy task,
yet you do it proudly everyday no matter what is asked.
You have turned your baby into a beautiful young lady.
You were there for me since the very beginning and saved me countless tears.
The pushy and wise advice you gave will carry me through the years.
With my every mistake or wrongful deed,
you were always there to understand.
You put no limits on my dreams or anything else I wish to do.
You never forget to say you care or that you love me to.
The smile and tears upon your face when I achieve provides me with more value in my heart then you’d ever believe.
There is no other person that will shape my heart the way you’ve done,
your job finished perfectly for your precious daughter and sons.
We have had a rocky road through triumph and catastrophe, hard time and despair,
but not a single moment of time of not having a wonderful mother there.
You have always put in your last with love and my whole life is not enough time for me to repay you.
We always put our disagreements to the side and manage to make it through.
I know that my teen years have driven you crazy but you have guided me with assurance along the way.
You have given me comfort and certainty with every breath I take within the day.
Your little girl is growing up but your baby girl will always remain deep inside me.
There are not enough words that can thank you for everything you have helped me emotionally and physically.
I have my whole future ahead of me and you are the women that has leaded me and guided me towards the proper path.
How can one simple day prove that much thanks and love to someone who has pushed this far and still is working her way?
yet you do it proudly everyday no matter what is asked.
You have turned your baby into a beautiful young lady.
You were there for me since the very beginning and saved me countless tears.
The pushy and wise advice you gave will carry me through the years.
With my every mistake or wrongful deed,
you were always there to understand.
You put no limits on my dreams or anything else I wish to do.
You never forget to say you care or that you love me to.
The smile and tears upon your face when I achieve provides me with more value in my heart then you’d ever believe.
There is no other person that will shape my heart the way you’ve done,
your job finished perfectly for your precious daughter and sons.
We have had a rocky road through triumph and catastrophe, hard time and despair,
but not a single moment of time of not having a wonderful mother there.
You have always put in your last with love and my whole life is not enough time for me to repay you.
We always put our disagreements to the side and manage to make it through.
I know that my teen years have driven you crazy but you have guided me with assurance along the way.
You have given me comfort and certainty with every breath I take within the day.
Your little girl is growing up but your baby girl will always remain deep inside me.
There are not enough words that can thank you for everything you have helped me emotionally and physically.
I have my whole future ahead of me and you are the women that has leaded me and guided me towards the proper path.
How can one simple day prove that much thanks and love to someone who has pushed this far and still is working her way?
There is no one in this world who could love you more mother.
This post made me cry my eyes out.That was beautiful Jamie.Show your mother this post, sometimes as mothers we feel that our children hate us.We are constantly trying to guide our children that we sound insane even to ourselves.I know your mother will love and treasure this forever!<3
ReplyDeleteErica Mansonhing January 20 at 9:40am Report
ReplyDeleteDear Jamie,
I just read your blog and joined, but I'm still trying to figure out how to post, so I thought I would send you this message. I sat there crying with my little baby girl as I read it. Thank you for having the courage to share what you are going through and trust me I know it is not an easy thing to go through and to put into words. I have been there with my mom and felt my whole world come crashing down and all the things you are going through. I am still trying to cope with everything that happened. Although I would never want anyone to go through this, it is comforting to know that someone else understands the pain, sadness and helplessness that I felt when my mom was sick and you described it so well as being a superhero stripped of their powers. I wanted to fix things and was dying to have an honest conversation about my fears with my mom, which I couldn't at first because I was soooo afraid and wanted to be strong and positive for her. That is what she needed and wanted, so that is what I did, meanwhile my real feelings became like a monster inside me. I experienced complete denial, anger, sadness and guilt, especially because there were things in my life that I was happy about, such as planning my wedding, but I felt guilty for feeling happy when my mom was fighting for her life. It was so different because she was always my rock and I now had to be hers. It was and is so unfair and you are so brave to be sharing how you are feeling and I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Although there will be times when you will feel helpless and not know what to do and say, your love and just being there for her even if it is silently or listening to her will help her get through it. I know we have not been close, but please don't hesitate to contact me if you need support. Hang in there and take it one day at a time. Sorry for my rambling :)
sending lots of love and prayers,
Erica.
At first people refuse to believe that a strange new thing can be done. Then they begin to hope it can be done. Then they see it can be done. Then it is done and all the world wonders why it was not done centuries ago. -Francis Eliza Hodgson Burnett
ReplyDelete