Life is too short for traffic.

5:56 am.

Got a full 4 and a half hours last night. WOO-HOO.Would have slept a few hours longer except I told Jim to call and wake me up when he got home and it was too early.

Oh Well,  
it didn't matter much anyhow because Mom was in 
need of some extra TLC this  morning. 
 Come to think of  it the last three or four mornings have gone this way???
The last few nights she has woken  quite early and in a severe panic.
It scares the crap out of me not to mention again being slapped in the face with some helplessness because there is absolutely nothing i can do to help. 
I just grab her and squeeze until i feel her stop fighting it.

So... I'm getting ready for what I will assume will be the longest most tedious day ever...so...here we go!
Let's see what driving in Toronto in prime time rush

 hour, on only four hours of broken sleep and no Timmie's feels like, shall we?


Its now 9:24…

I am sitting in the cafe at Toronto Western Hospital hoping the time will go by as quick as possible with help from good ol' Timmy Ho’s, my laptop and Charlaine Harris. 

I don’t know if it was the smartest of ideas, but I dropped Robbie upstairs on the 4^Th floor and left him the hands of the same crazy nurse we had last Thursday!
Lucky him!!!

She was just a complete disgrace to medical personnel everywhere…I am dead serious.

Now I sit here with only me and my thoughts...well and of course the extremely entertaining passersby at Dundas and Bathurst. Can't forget about them!  :-)

Got in around ten minutes after after 2pm hoping to catch some quick Zs before I had to have mom up for the visit to the compassion clinic in Toronto. Not possible.

I knew right when we booked the Appointment and she said, 

"Okay so, 4 o'clock at Jarvis and Wellesley ok?" that it would be a lengthy trip. 

I was prepared. 

Two prime time rush hours in one day...I don't know how these commuters do it. 

Kudos to those who are mentally capable.  

Although I had lived in Toronto for seven years in my late teens and early 20's, for he last 2 years I have resided in a town that has a population of 1,500 people.

I had completely forgotten the torture called the "401" (16 lanes of traffic---GRIDLOCKED!) and we can't forget the Don Valley Parkway aka "The Don Vally Parking Lot". 

Fun, fun, fun.

The Toronto Compassion Centre is a medical type of facility that provides medical patients with different types of serious and painful illnesses with  medical marijuana. Its really funny for me to come home and see my mom with a bong I have to tell ya. But it works for her, and  keeps her hunger up which is an ongoing battle with her to get her to eat. 

I dropped her off at the "secret facility", you had to have some kind of secret password to even get the address from them over the phone....PARANOID MUCH! Maybe some of the employees have been dipping into the merchandise. :-)
Anyhow, she came out about 2 hours later with 3 little bags with three different labels on them. They read;

1. Simply Red - For Hunger

2. Skunk #1 - For Joy and Happiness

3. Sensi Star - For Relaxation.

Pretty neat that they break it down for you like that, and provide a different plant for different side effects, sounds way better for you than the pharmacy of medications she carries around with her.in her purse.
Besides, it helps her.... and she is happy, therefore, I am happy.

So now its 6 pm and we are leaving the heart of downtown Toronto. And can you guess what time it is????

Rush Hour!!!

So we beginning  the trek home, stop in on Spadina in China Town to pick up some heavenly take out and mom mentions she wants a small coffee. 

 I head toward Black Creek on Dundas not even worrying about finding a Tim's because hey....this IS Toronto. Or so I thought. 

 Just so everyone is aware, from Dundas and Bathurst to Black Creek Dr.,there are  ZERO Tim Horton's! ZERO!!!! 

When you don't want one there are 2 on every corner, BUT when your mom is complaining and laying out a guilt trip for a coffee that she never got and how dehydrated she is in bumper to bumper traffic, there is not one in sight. 

I tell ya, there should be a little smart car type vehicle that drives along the shoulder during rush hour delivering coffees to disgruntled drivers on their way home. 

Me and Mom finally arrived at the condo at 7:45 pm. After what seemed like an eternity in traffic, it felt amazing to get into some comfy PJ's, heat up some Chinese take out and cuddle on the couch for some American Idol. 

 "A commuter tie-up consists of you - and people who for some reason won't use public transit."

  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
 

Life

Life is hard,

Life is tough,

You need to be strong,

And never give up

 There may be days,
That never seem to end,
And you feel like you,
Don't have a friend,

But keep on walking
Down that road,
Your friends will follow
And bear your load,

 But face each day,
And what it brings,
And you'll be ready,
To face any thing.

 

 Jodie Cooke auxillary nurse, Ward 3 Wolverhampton Hospital, New Cross

I Wish I Could Stop The Rain From Falling

It was raining the day you told us,
And ever since its not stopped pouring down.
I wish I could stop the rain from falling,
Hold your head up and not let you drown.

I can see it has taken your smile,
As you stare and watch it rain.
I wish I could stop the rain from falling,
Hold your hand, take away your pain.

I wonder how you must be feeling inside,
I guess the rain reflects your outer side.
I wish I could stop the rain from falling,
And sit with you until it all subsides.

I wish that curse would disappear,
I wish that God could hear me calling,

I wish that you were not living in its fear,
I wish I could stop the rain from falling.

Poem Source Below. Improved and Edited by: Jamie Crispino (January 23/2011)

Source: (Do not remove) I Wish I Could Stop The Rain Falling, Cancer Poems http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/sad/poetry.asp?poem=28411#ixzz1Bv6Ne2XE

People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile.

Today me and Mom went shopping together to brighten our day. 

Still sad about Jim leaving and still recovering from a difficult night with her treatment, Mom and I decided what better way to brighten our blues then to go buy clothes and girlie accesories! 

I think this kind of outlet should be available to all women who are ill or depressed or overwhelmed. I say screw medication and therapy...GIVE ME THE CLOTHES!!

Its funny how something new can make you smile. Something shiny or colourful, something that smells sweet or leathery. Its just so fun to get that compliment on that new sweater you just picked up; you loved it so much you had to fight with yourself not to wear it right out of the store.

We went to Winners, one of my favorites (if you are in a browsing kind of mood). I didnt know how Mom would deal, didnt know if she would get tired right away, didnt know if she would feel uncomforatable or start to feel pain. I just decided to wing it. 

We separated in the store breifly and to my amazement Mom excitedly walked over asking for my opinion on the "cutest sweater." I was so happy that she found something that excited her. It was so cute.. and it had Mom written all over it!

We grabbed our picks and hand in hand went into the womens fitting room. I helped her try it on and the look on her face was so "bright" I couldnt help but smile. She asked if she should get it for herself and i said, "Definately, YES!!"

We walked out of the store like two little girls, hand in hand, got 2 Nestea Ice teas from the food court and left the mall with smiles from ear to ear. 

Its funny how something so small can make someone so happy and how just the shortest little shopping trip can bring two girls together. 

It was so great. It gave me warm fuzzies that lasted all day long.

My Prince

Today is miserable. 

Although Mom is having a wonderful day health wise...we both spent the morning in tears. 

Jim, my wonderful fiance that lives in Michigan, drove the long 9 hours to come visit and help me this weekend. He came on Friday after working overnight and drove straight here only to help and be here for me when i needed him. 

What kind of man is so self-less and amazing? 

God sent me an angel when he sent me James. 

I know it must be hard on him to give up one of the few days he has to rest from work and drive here. He stayed Friday night and left early this morning to drive another 9 hours and go straight to work. 

They don't make men like this anymore...I am sure of it. 

He is everything that is wonderful in my life. 

He is my rock. 

He is my best friend. 

So....this morning ...he left. 

You could imagine the amount of tears that were cried. Me and my mom could have filled a pool. 

I miss him already and its only been 2 hours. What makes it harder is that my Mom adores him, they sit and snuggle, and talk all the time, and completely care for eachother. He treats her like she is his mother and she treats him like her son and that makes my heart skip a beat. What more could I ask for.

What an awesome feeling knowing I finally found the kind of man every girl dreams of having. 

A true Prince Charming.

He is so understanding when It comes to all of this, we have been so strong within our relationship during this completely immposible time. I don't think I could have made it through without him, his love and support. 

It is hard to be so far from eachother, considering we have not been apart in the 3 years we have been together, but we are definately making it through this and it is making us stronger. I am so proud. 

This post today is in honour of my sweetheart , James Andrew Bartus ....every girls true Prince Charming.

Jim Jim and I                                                               Jim Jim and Mamma

What Cancer Cannot Do.

It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit

It cannot take away everything you mean to me.

Needing Me. Needing You.

Today started off on a sad note.I woke up late, again. Not getting a full nights sleep has begun to take its toll on my body, but I guess it could be worse. 

I had a dentist appointment scheduled with my aunt (thank the lord for Zia Rosie) and I was running around trying to make it there when Mom woke up. She immediately went into full panic mode and began crying,begging and pleading with me NOT to go...not to leave her. 

I felt completely awful. She was crying so hard she couldn't even catch her breath. I didn't know what to do. I was already late for a much needed (and difficult to get) dental appointment. But this was my mom....and she was begging for me not to go. What does one do in a heartbreaking situation such as this. :(

Thankfully my little brother, Robbie, heard us in the livingroom and came out to assure her that she would not be alone and that I would be back and he would stay with her to make sure she was alright.

I have to admit, I had a hard time leaving her. She just seemed so incredibly sad and panic stricken, her worry was totally genuine...I almost burst into tears. 

And thats another thing...I have been trying my best to keep it together in my moms or ANYONES presence for that matter (crying, losing it...you know). i think it makes the rest of the world believe I am as strong as an ox. Little does everyone know i feel like I am suffocating with my hands tied behind my back. Its like I don't even have the strength to scream. Its a horrible prison-like feeling. It's just awful.

So, I went to the appointment (although I was late) and the whole time I was there I could not stop thinking about how upset she was about me leaving her. I was anxious, I was worried, I was sad....It completely took over my mind and body. I just couldnt wait to get out of that dentist chair and back home to my mom, that way I'd know she was fine, because I was home. UGH!!! Time couldn't go by slower when there is somewhere else you'd rather be.

Finally the appointment was done, I found my self speed walking to the car and driving like a bat out of hell to get back home. When I got there, my mom came right to me and began to cry yet again. Saying that she had thought I had left her.It made me so sad to think of what she may have felt like while I was gone, thinking that I had abandoned her. What a horrible feeling. I assured her that that would never happen.

Now, with me and my mom in the doorway locked in what seemed like a hug that lasted forever, I felt so comforted with her in my arms. I felt relief in knowing she felt better with me there. And in turn made me feel calm and content.

Maybe I needed her just as much as she needed me?

Doing what you love is the cornerstone of having abundance in your life.

I think that there are certain careers out there that only a select few should be able to preform on a regular basis. Careers for special people who single handedly affect the lives of others in a major way. For instance; a teacher, a doctor and in today's case....a nurse. 

And just for kicks I have named her the miserable spawn of satan himself.

Spending the day in hospital I am sure is not on anyones list of favorite things to do. And what can obliterate that already completely horrendous day is a nurse who for some reason or another had a bad day or hates her life and takes it out on some of the most vulnerable people she has ever met...her patients and their worried families. 

Pretty sad case, isn't she.

Today at Toronto Western we had the joy of dealing with this nurse...but she crossed paths with the wrong people today let me tell ya. She comes over to where my little brother is psyching himself up for his intravenous needle, for me just a terrifying ordeal, and she grabs his arm aggressively and pokes him trying to find a vein. She misses, of course, and my little brother screams out in pain.

Now I am on my feet...she then yanks the misplaced needle out of his arm stating that it  is his fault that it hurt because he is tense. Duh...he is tense because of YOU! 

This irritates me further as she tries to blindly stick him again and thats when I said these eloquent and simple words, " Please stop, you are hurting him." 

She decides that the best thing for her to do at that moment is not respect what the patient and his family member are saying, but to argue at how "good she is at her job" and that I needed to "RELAX" and "I needed to leave" because I wanted to protect my little brother. 

Now doesn't this all seem like fun?

I guess the point I am trying to make is this simple, I have dealt with at least one person like this if not many more during all the hospital visits we have made, especially the ones at Princess Margaret Hospital, where the patients and families are using every ounce of energy and strength they have just to not break down everytime they walk through those hospital doors.

Here it is....for all the nurses and doctors who care for our loved ones worldwide; if you can't forget everything in you personal life and put a smile on the faces of your patients and families and if you do not absolutely love to brighten the day of everyone who walks through those hospital doors...

 GET ANOTHER CAREER!!   
                                        

Doing what you love is the cornerstone of having abundance in your life. And in loving your job the way that you should, you WILL brighten the day of someone who may have, just that morning, decided to quit fighting. You could change their life forever with just a simple smile.

"Work joyfully and peacefully, knowing that right thoughts and right efforts will inevitably bring about right results."

-- James Allen

"NOW THIS WON'T HURT A BIT..."

If you don't think every day is a great day.... try going without one.

6am. A new day to tackle.

Today I am taking my little brother, Robbie, to Toronto Western Hospital for a new treatment they are starting. It involves an iron infusion which is interesting. Being anemic myself, I know that having a steady amount of Iron in the system will eliminate the fatigue associated with anemia.Which is great if it works. Feeling drained all the time for no reason is awful.

I am hoping for a good, smooth day. I am already completely aware of the fact he does NOT want to be going to the hospital today (maybe it has something to do with the SMASHING of things and swearing since 4am...which on anyother day at any other time I would be perfeftly fine with...except that I stayed up till 1 am to make sure my mom's meds were taken properly to avoid any pain at all.)

Meh...I can't complain...we will just call it a sleepy day :)

So, Robbie is my second youngest half-brother. He is 19 years old but hasnt really had the opportunity to be a real and normal teenager. As a kid, Robbie was diagnosed with Crohn's and Colitis. Although I don't know everything there is to know about his disease, I know he has a hell of a time living a normal life....being a normal kid. And I am sure it is very difficult for my mom to see him suffering and not being able to help him right now, because she needs the help as welll...sounds kinda poopy, huh?

Dispite all these barriers, the world just kept on turning and today is a new day. A new day for hope....new opportunities....and I will embrace it!!

After my morning cup of tea, it is time for mom's first medications for today's pain prevention, anti seize meds for the nerves and post chemo fiasco. Since I have been organizing the medications since my arrival in Toronto..it is my job to explain all the meds to Robert (my step dad) today so my mom continues to be pain free. This new chemo is making her incredibly weepy and nauseous. More so than the last study thats for sure.

Hopefully things go smoothly today, my amazing Aunt (Zia Anna) has invited us over for dinner tonight. I think it would be awesome for Mom to get out an do something fun. It would also be nice for us to have dinner all together tonight. It makes me feel not so alone.

Well...I am off on another Hospital day....wish me luck.........

http://www.ccfc.ca/English/index.html

Impossible Request

So.....

I guess after the endless amount of advice given to me about talking about my emotions, my thoughts and fears...I thought It may just not be that bad of an idea. After all...it doesn't seem like anything could get any worse so why not give it a shot, right? So here goes....

My name is Jamie. I am 29 years young and until recently believed that good things happen to good people. It was in May of 2009, one day that not only changed my life forever but a day that the universe asked me an absolute IMPOSSIBLE request. It was until THAT day that I thought I knew everything about myself. It wasn't until THAT day that I felt completely and utterly powerless. It was THAT day that my mother was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. And that was an impossible reality to come to terms with.

You know...you say cancer these days and everyone can share a story of a family member or loved one. Some share stories of a miracle and others devastation. 

You can never really know how seriously evil and excruciating this disease really is until you see it in the eyes of someone you not only love, but owe your whole existence to. And there is nothing more unfair in this life than watching your mother cry in pain, fear and defeat and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I don't wish anyone has to experience this as I have. I feel like a superhero that has been stripped of her powers. It's completely heartbreaking.

Now...I am hoping with this new outlet to not only create a place where I can let go of some crazy emotional steam, but also receive some advice and support, have a chance to honour wonderful memories and stories that my mother continues to bring to my world everyday. Even a place I can tell my mom the things I don't yet have the courage to say. 

 

 

Thank You

To be a mother is not an easy task,
yet you do it proudly everyday no matter what is asked.
You have turned your baby into a beautiful young lady.
You were there for me since the very beginning and saved me countless tears.
The pushy and wise advice you gave will carry me through the years.
With my every mistake or wrongful deed,
you were always there to understand.
You put no limits on my dreams or anything else I wish to do.
You never forget to say you care or that you love me to.
The smile and tears upon your face when I achieve provides me with more value in my heart then you’d ever believe.
There is no other person that will shape my heart the way you’ve done,
your job finished perfectly for your precious daughter and sons.
We have had a rocky road through triumph and catastrophe, hard time and despair,
but not a single moment of time of not having a wonderful mother there.
You have always put in your last with love and my whole life is not enough time for me to repay you.
We always put our disagreements to the side and manage to make it through.
I know that my teen years have driven you crazy but you have guided me with assurance along the way.
You have given me comfort and certainty with every breath I take within the day.
Your little girl is growing up but your baby girl will always remain deep inside me.
There are not enough words that can thank you for everything you have helped me emotionally and physically.
I have my whole future ahead of me and you are the women that has leaded me and guided me towards the proper path.
How can one simple day prove that much thanks and love to someone who has pushed this far and still is working her way?

There is no one in this world who could love you more mother.

Source:) Thank You Mother http://www.familyfriendpoems.com