What can I say about my the most amazing woman in the world....

Before I go on to celebrate my mother and what she meant to us,

I must share the reality of what life was like for her and my family after she was diagnosed.

Of course no one suffered more than my mom, but Robert and Robbie you are definitely second. We all shared in my moms pain.

It was like we were all on trial.

At any one point, as a family, we were in denial, we were angry or we were depressed. And there was conflict. We didn't agree with the doctors, we didn't always agree with each other, and mostly, amidst the confusion, we felt HELPLESS.

She, along with us all,fought as hard as she could. She was truly a force to be reckoned with.

I have asked myself over and over what i think my Mom would want for us right now. I think she would want us to live lives that we could be proud of. Lives that bring us joy, adventure and without a doubt...LOVE.

My mom was so incredible that even when she was face with fear and depression within her illness---she was the the one who kept US strong, she picked us up when WE were down and she gave US the strength when we felt defeated. Truly the most remarkable woman.

The eternal positive thinker she was---she was incredible. It was this amazing power of positive thought that made her the free-spirit she was. This, in turn, opened our eyes to endless possibilities in life and made us not only strong in our beliefs, but free to achieve our wildest dreams.

SKY IS THE LIMIT....THE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER!

One amazing example of this was her remarkable and imaginative family tradition on New Years Eve. It was a night we came together (even as adults) to create original and artistic posters outlining our dreams and aspirations for that upcoming year.

One constant subject on my mom's dream lists was the love and desire for travel.

Every year a different destination or a wonderful adventure.

She ADORED travelling, experiencing new things and tasting new foods. she passed this lust for life and yearn for new adventure not only onto all us kids, but everyone she met.

She inspired us all to see the world for the grand experience it could be.

My mom was truly an funny and free spirit. Tales of her crazy antics could make the saddest soul smile.

She would on any given day strap on some wings and sit at the kitchen table and declare to everyone that she was not cooking dinner that night because she was a fairy.

She made us laugh every time we came from school and buzzed to get into the building we live in.She would refuse to let us in until we said the magic words.

"What's the password?" she would ask, "You're skinny, beautiful, rich and juicy!"

She made everyone smile. She made people believe that they can do and be anything.

She was truly the most amazing woman this world has ever known.

She was powerful, spiritual, inspiring and completely giving of herself. 

She spent her life caring and doing so much for everyone so selflessly.

She always went out of her way for a loved one in need.

She was a counsellor, a confidant and a best-friend.

Anyone knew they could come to her or call no matter what the reason or circumstance.

She always honestly, rationally and lovingly made everything better.

She appreciated the tiniest things.

A beautiful sunset, a homemade birthday card, the way Max looked at her, or an awesome bowl of soup.

She loved being with the family, sitting on the dock on Trent River with a cup of coffee just as the sun came up, a song played by Robert on the guitar,a spontaneous piece of art or mosaic, an inspirational quote or an incredible book.

She loved the things many of us take for granted.

But most importantly, She love Me.

I was her princess.

And she always made me feel so special.

I can't remember a time she couldn't dry up my tears.

That was my Mom, she made everyone happy.

I'm sure the rest of my life i will see flashes of my

om in me--the good and the bad. I am definitely and proudly my mother's daughter. Each of you also carry a part of my mother in you and at times you will do or say something a certain way because of her.I hope you will always remember her for the incredible woman she was.

I honestly don't know how to do this. I don't know how to exist in a world where she doesn't. And when people say I wont ever hear her voice again it sounds like the craziest thing.

I wish I could tell you all that we will move on, that we will someday meet again, that she is in a better place, although sh is no longer in pain and suffering, I wish I could say that heaven had gained another angel, but i feel one has been taken from us.

A part of us died with my mom that day, a very important part. She was our families glue, she held us together.

And we will miss her everyday.

They say there is a reason,

They say that time will heal,

But neither time nor reason,

Will change the way i feel.

For no one knows the heartache,

That lies behind our smiles,

No one knows how many times,

We've broken down and cried.

We want to tell you something,

So there wont be any doubt,

You re so wonderful to think of,

But so hard to live without.

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living, My mommy you'll be.

I love you Mom.

Where has time gone?

I don’t see much off you any more,
I am always busy and you are always alone.
Time goes by so fast, every day that we have is unique,
and there will be no other like it.
Time doesn’t wait for any one and time passes for every one.
Imagine, every morning that you wake up God’s Hands open up to offer you a brand new day just for you,
one like no other; it is up to you what you do with it.
And every day I think “I need to make memories with my loved ones”,
“I need to tell them how much I care”.
It is another day and you are alone again,
I know that we will regret it but now I need to be away,
so today my day is gone and I didn’t make loving memories with you.
One of these days I am afraid that you will be gone,
and I will regret the time we didn’t share,
so I will try to remind you from time to time that we need to spend some time.
It is not that I am needy,
or maybe yes I am,
is just that I don’t want to waste the time that kindly God has granted me.
I dont want to regret forever not loving you like i could.

Our Hearts Will Always Touch

 I just wanted to share a poem I read on familyfriendpoems.com. It touched me and frightened me all at the same time. I hope you enjoy this prelude to my next entry.

Love Jamie  

 

Narny's Story

I wrote this after I lost my Mum to Cancer. We only found out 7 weeks before she past away about the disease. I was alone with mum when she passed away. I feel honored that she felt comfortable and safe to go peacefully in my arms however the vision of her last breath will play on my mind forever. I miss my mum so very much....SO VERY MUCH. She was my world (just like she always used to say to me). I pray she is happy and safe and I pray even harder that we meet again. I have to see my beautiful mum again. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MUMSY..Always and Forever...your Narny...xx

 

 

Our Hearts Will Always Touch

© Ranja Kujala

When I laid there beside you,
Could you feel me there?
My arms were wrapped around you,
And I was stroking your hair.

I was talking about all the good times,
For me they were every single day.
I wanted you to feel love and comfort,
And happy in some way.

I watched your every breath,
And prayed that each one wasn't your last.
The time we got to share together,
Went by too quick...Too fast.

I wanted you to wake up,
Please Mum...Open your eyes.
Tell me this is a nightmare,
And not our goodbyes.

As your last breath grew closer,
We layer there peacefully together.
My heart continually breaking,
Because I wanted you forever.

Then there it was,
Your final breath of air.
I didn't want to believe it,
This is so cruel and not fair.

I held your beautiful face,
And prayed you'd breath again.
I wasn't ready for you to go,
I couldn't admit that this was the end.

But then I realized that you were now in peace,
And not suffering anymore.
You were beginning the life of an Angel,
And your body would no loner be sore.

I held you close and squeezed you tight,
And tried to say goodbye.
I've lost my Mum and my number one best friend,
All my heart could do is cry.

I slowly got up,
I wanted so much to stay.
I leaned over and gave you one more kiss,
It was so hard to walk away.

Mum you are my entire world,
And I miss you so very much.
I wish I could feel your loveable cuddle,
And your soft and gentle touch.

But for now I have to wait,
Until we meet again.
You will always be in my heart and thoughts,
My dear Mum and best friend.

Always and Forever,
Our hearts will always touch.
Always and Forever,
Your baby girl loves you so much.

Read More: Our Hearts Will Always Touch

http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/sad/poetry.asp?poem=18270#ixzz1DhatrQig

Longing to Dance In The Rain

It kind of makes sense for there to be an "epic winter blizzard" going on right now. It kinda fits the chaotic and crazy life I am leading these days.

Wow.
I often wonder if God likes to pepper us with tough situations and pain to test our strength and prepare us for the cruel, sometimes tragic, reality of life or if he's singling me out!
Punishing me for that word that i had said, that law that i had broke or that lie that I had told.

After what was supposed to feel like a rest this weekend, I felt awful.
Feeling like you are getting sick in this family has added pressure because we CANNOT get Mom sick at ALL.
So as soon as I start to feel a tickle in my throat or a run in my nose or a sneeze coming on, panic starts to set in. So now on top of feeling sick and cold, I am completely terrified to get mom ill.
Its scary cause its completely out of my hands. All i can do is take the precautions and do my best to stay healthy for her.

Today is chemo day at Princess Margaret. The mood in the house is completely tense and uncomfortable the morning of chemo day. This new chemo knocked Mom right over and she was incredibly sick for days and days afterward. She is completely terrified and anxious and of course with those feelings come the tears.
I hate IT! I hate that she has to go through this ---I wish i take this from her!!

GIVE ME THE CANCER AND SET MOM FREE!! 

It makes me want to scream. 

You will NEVER understand the helplessness...NEVER!  

And of course on the most difficult days good old Mother Nature has to spank us with `the storm of the century`!!!
GRrrrrrrrreeeeeeeat!!
And just to throw one in for `good measure`---- the transmission quit working on the only vehicle we have---YESTERDAY!
I think I am starting to understand psychotic breaks and suicide just a little bit better.

So, thank goodness Zia lent us her second vehicle...don't know what we would have done.

Tuesday Morning, 7am, on my way up the 400 North to Jackson's Point to pick up Zia and start the trek back to Moms Condo.

We pick up Mom at about 10, get to Downsview Subway (because if I wasn't busy enough, the only appointment I could get to finish my dental work was today) and I met them there at Princess Margaret at 1 pm.

I got there and immediately went to the places Mom usually is; the Oncology Center (DR.MOORE) the Chemo Day Care Unit, The Palliative Care pain centre or (because of me and Zia) Druxy`s in the Main Lobby.

They were nowhere to be found AND no one knew where I could find them!!!!
UGH!

Finally, after the 3rd visit to the chemo day care unit, the secretary piped up and said, "Oh Yea, Billeter? She is on 14C?!"
She said it so matter-of-fact and like I should have known that or something!
I have never been to that floor ever!

So, there I was, riding the elevator for the 40th time, up to the 14th floor.
I hate those elevators, they are creepy and they smell so bad.
To freak me out even more, Mom decides to tell me that the reason why they smelled so bad was because they transport the dead in them.
Not a pleasant thought every time you step onto an elevator.

As I was riding up to the floor mom was on it dawned on me...why wasn't she in chemo? Why is she on a floor i have never been on? whats going on!!!! I then started to do the "Jamie Panic" and the hyperactivity began to consume me.
I must have looked completely lost and frantic because a little dude in some scrubs asked if he could guide me somewhere.
When I finally found moms room she looked awful, she kinda looked all pale in the face like someone with motion sickness. The doctor was explaining and then Zia reiterated that Mom had spiked a fever and had the cold sweats.

One more time evryone....GRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEAAAATTTT!!

Then Bernie walked in the room to give us some test results. Bernie is Moms oncology and chemo study nurse who has been with her every step of the way. Mom just LOVES her.
It seemed that Mom had a low grade fever ( but with cancer patients ANY fever is cause for alarm) and that the sores that the chemo gives her in and on her mouth may be infected and before it spreads to the blood stream we had to get it under control.
So they added 5 more medications to her daily routine.

Yippee
Now we can open our own Shopper's Drug Mart!

The chemo emergency nurse also stated that her platelets and white blood count was 1. I don't know really what that means,but they way she said it i knew it wasn't good.
I guess when it comes to blood cells, Ace isn't high, :-D Thats a little bit of cancer humour for ya..ha ha ha.

Anyhoo..they doctors also said that the low white count means she is susceptible to anything going around and with it being flu season, we have to take better precautions.
Take out the face masks.
The doctors said because of this and her magnesium being very low as well,would start a bag of magnesium a  that they would do a CT scan to check everything else before they decided CHEMO or NO CHEMO.

So, the tests came back positive for yet again pneumonia.
She JUST got over pneumonia 2 weeks ago!!
It NEVER ends!!

Mom, you are one of the strongest and bravest women i know, because i watch the pain you go through, and everyday you take it like a champ. A few crazy moments and tears here and there, but you are doing so good.
I am so proud of you.

I hope you know that besides every minute of everyday wishing, praying and PLEADING for a cure, i pray everyday for THAT day to be at least better than the last.

I Love you and can't wait for this cancer to leave our lives so me and you can once again dance barefoot in the rain.

Life is too short for traffic.

5:56 am.

Got a full 4 and a half hours last night. WOO-HOO.Would have slept a few hours longer except I told Jim to call and wake me up when he got home and it was too early.

Oh Well,  
it didn't matter much anyhow because Mom was in 
need of some extra TLC this  morning. 
 Come to think of  it the last three or four mornings have gone this way???
The last few nights she has woken  quite early and in a severe panic.
It scares the crap out of me not to mention again being slapped in the face with some helplessness because there is absolutely nothing i can do to help. 
I just grab her and squeeze until i feel her stop fighting it.

So... I'm getting ready for what I will assume will be the longest most tedious day ever...so...here we go!
Let's see what driving in Toronto in prime time rush

 hour, on only four hours of broken sleep and no Timmie's feels like, shall we?


Its now 9:24…

I am sitting in the cafe at Toronto Western Hospital hoping the time will go by as quick as possible with help from good ol' Timmy Ho’s, my laptop and Charlaine Harris. 

I don’t know if it was the smartest of ideas, but I dropped Robbie upstairs on the 4^Th floor and left him the hands of the same crazy nurse we had last Thursday!
Lucky him!!!

She was just a complete disgrace to medical personnel everywhere…I am dead serious.

Now I sit here with only me and my thoughts...well and of course the extremely entertaining passersby at Dundas and Bathurst. Can't forget about them!  :-)

Got in around ten minutes after after 2pm hoping to catch some quick Zs before I had to have mom up for the visit to the compassion clinic in Toronto. Not possible.

I knew right when we booked the Appointment and she said, 

"Okay so, 4 o'clock at Jarvis and Wellesley ok?" that it would be a lengthy trip. 

I was prepared. 

Two prime time rush hours in one day...I don't know how these commuters do it. 

Kudos to those who are mentally capable.  

Although I had lived in Toronto for seven years in my late teens and early 20's, for he last 2 years I have resided in a town that has a population of 1,500 people.

I had completely forgotten the torture called the "401" (16 lanes of traffic---GRIDLOCKED!) and we can't forget the Don Valley Parkway aka "The Don Vally Parking Lot". 

Fun, fun, fun.

The Toronto Compassion Centre is a medical type of facility that provides medical patients with different types of serious and painful illnesses with  medical marijuana. Its really funny for me to come home and see my mom with a bong I have to tell ya. But it works for her, and  keeps her hunger up which is an ongoing battle with her to get her to eat. 

I dropped her off at the "secret facility", you had to have some kind of secret password to even get the address from them over the phone....PARANOID MUCH! Maybe some of the employees have been dipping into the merchandise. :-)
Anyhow, she came out about 2 hours later with 3 little bags with three different labels on them. They read;

1. Simply Red - For Hunger

2. Skunk #1 - For Joy and Happiness

3. Sensi Star - For Relaxation.

Pretty neat that they break it down for you like that, and provide a different plant for different side effects, sounds way better for you than the pharmacy of medications she carries around with her.in her purse.
Besides, it helps her.... and she is happy, therefore, I am happy.

So now its 6 pm and we are leaving the heart of downtown Toronto. And can you guess what time it is????

Rush Hour!!!

So we beginning  the trek home, stop in on Spadina in China Town to pick up some heavenly take out and mom mentions she wants a small coffee. 

 I head toward Black Creek on Dundas not even worrying about finding a Tim's because hey....this IS Toronto. Or so I thought. 

 Just so everyone is aware, from Dundas and Bathurst to Black Creek Dr.,there are  ZERO Tim Horton's! ZERO!!!! 

When you don't want one there are 2 on every corner, BUT when your mom is complaining and laying out a guilt trip for a coffee that she never got and how dehydrated she is in bumper to bumper traffic, there is not one in sight. 

I tell ya, there should be a little smart car type vehicle that drives along the shoulder during rush hour delivering coffees to disgruntled drivers on their way home. 

Me and Mom finally arrived at the condo at 7:45 pm. After what seemed like an eternity in traffic, it felt amazing to get into some comfy PJ's, heat up some Chinese take out and cuddle on the couch for some American Idol. 

 "A commuter tie-up consists of you - and people who for some reason won't use public transit."

  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
 

Life

Life is hard,

Life is tough,

You need to be strong,

And never give up

 There may be days,
That never seem to end,
And you feel like you,
Don't have a friend,

But keep on walking
Down that road,
Your friends will follow
And bear your load,

 But face each day,
And what it brings,
And you'll be ready,
To face any thing.

 

 Jodie Cooke auxillary nurse, Ward 3 Wolverhampton Hospital, New Cross

I Wish I Could Stop The Rain From Falling

It was raining the day you told us,
And ever since its not stopped pouring down.
I wish I could stop the rain from falling,
Hold your head up and not let you drown.

I can see it has taken your smile,
As you stare and watch it rain.
I wish I could stop the rain from falling,
Hold your hand, take away your pain.

I wonder how you must be feeling inside,
I guess the rain reflects your outer side.
I wish I could stop the rain from falling,
And sit with you until it all subsides.

I wish that curse would disappear,
I wish that God could hear me calling,

I wish that you were not living in its fear,
I wish I could stop the rain from falling.

Poem Source Below. Improved and Edited by: Jamie Crispino (January 23/2011)

Source: (Do not remove) I Wish I Could Stop The Rain Falling, Cancer Poems http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/sad/poetry.asp?poem=28411#ixzz1Bv6Ne2XE

People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile.

Today me and Mom went shopping together to brighten our day. 

Still sad about Jim leaving and still recovering from a difficult night with her treatment, Mom and I decided what better way to brighten our blues then to go buy clothes and girlie accesories! 

I think this kind of outlet should be available to all women who are ill or depressed or overwhelmed. I say screw medication and therapy...GIVE ME THE CLOTHES!!

Its funny how something new can make you smile. Something shiny or colourful, something that smells sweet or leathery. Its just so fun to get that compliment on that new sweater you just picked up; you loved it so much you had to fight with yourself not to wear it right out of the store.

We went to Winners, one of my favorites (if you are in a browsing kind of mood). I didnt know how Mom would deal, didnt know if she would get tired right away, didnt know if she would feel uncomforatable or start to feel pain. I just decided to wing it. 

We separated in the store breifly and to my amazement Mom excitedly walked over asking for my opinion on the "cutest sweater." I was so happy that she found something that excited her. It was so cute.. and it had Mom written all over it!

We grabbed our picks and hand in hand went into the womens fitting room. I helped her try it on and the look on her face was so "bright" I couldnt help but smile. She asked if she should get it for herself and i said, "Definately, YES!!"

We walked out of the store like two little girls, hand in hand, got 2 Nestea Ice teas from the food court and left the mall with smiles from ear to ear. 

Its funny how something so small can make someone so happy and how just the shortest little shopping trip can bring two girls together. 

It was so great. It gave me warm fuzzies that lasted all day long.

My Prince

Today is miserable. 

Although Mom is having a wonderful day health wise...we both spent the morning in tears. 

Jim, my wonderful fiance that lives in Michigan, drove the long 9 hours to come visit and help me this weekend. He came on Friday after working overnight and drove straight here only to help and be here for me when i needed him. 

What kind of man is so self-less and amazing? 

God sent me an angel when he sent me James. 

I know it must be hard on him to give up one of the few days he has to rest from work and drive here. He stayed Friday night and left early this morning to drive another 9 hours and go straight to work. 

They don't make men like this anymore...I am sure of it. 

He is everything that is wonderful in my life. 

He is my rock. 

He is my best friend. 

So....this morning ...he left. 

You could imagine the amount of tears that were cried. Me and my mom could have filled a pool. 

I miss him already and its only been 2 hours. What makes it harder is that my Mom adores him, they sit and snuggle, and talk all the time, and completely care for eachother. He treats her like she is his mother and she treats him like her son and that makes my heart skip a beat. What more could I ask for.

What an awesome feeling knowing I finally found the kind of man every girl dreams of having. 

A true Prince Charming.

He is so understanding when It comes to all of this, we have been so strong within our relationship during this completely immposible time. I don't think I could have made it through without him, his love and support. 

It is hard to be so far from eachother, considering we have not been apart in the 3 years we have been together, but we are definately making it through this and it is making us stronger. I am so proud. 

This post today is in honour of my sweetheart , James Andrew Bartus ....every girls true Prince Charming.

Jim Jim and I                                                               Jim Jim and Mamma

What Cancer Cannot Do.

It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit

It cannot take away everything you mean to me.

Needing Me. Needing You.

Today started off on a sad note.I woke up late, again. Not getting a full nights sleep has begun to take its toll on my body, but I guess it could be worse. 

I had a dentist appointment scheduled with my aunt (thank the lord for Zia Rosie) and I was running around trying to make it there when Mom woke up. She immediately went into full panic mode and began crying,begging and pleading with me NOT to go...not to leave her. 

I felt completely awful. She was crying so hard she couldn't even catch her breath. I didn't know what to do. I was already late for a much needed (and difficult to get) dental appointment. But this was my mom....and she was begging for me not to go. What does one do in a heartbreaking situation such as this. :(

Thankfully my little brother, Robbie, heard us in the livingroom and came out to assure her that she would not be alone and that I would be back and he would stay with her to make sure she was alright.

I have to admit, I had a hard time leaving her. She just seemed so incredibly sad and panic stricken, her worry was totally genuine...I almost burst into tears. 

And thats another thing...I have been trying my best to keep it together in my moms or ANYONES presence for that matter (crying, losing it...you know). i think it makes the rest of the world believe I am as strong as an ox. Little does everyone know i feel like I am suffocating with my hands tied behind my back. Its like I don't even have the strength to scream. Its a horrible prison-like feeling. It's just awful.

So, I went to the appointment (although I was late) and the whole time I was there I could not stop thinking about how upset she was about me leaving her. I was anxious, I was worried, I was sad....It completely took over my mind and body. I just couldnt wait to get out of that dentist chair and back home to my mom, that way I'd know she was fine, because I was home. UGH!!! Time couldn't go by slower when there is somewhere else you'd rather be.

Finally the appointment was done, I found my self speed walking to the car and driving like a bat out of hell to get back home. When I got there, my mom came right to me and began to cry yet again. Saying that she had thought I had left her.It made me so sad to think of what she may have felt like while I was gone, thinking that I had abandoned her. What a horrible feeling. I assured her that that would never happen.

Now, with me and my mom in the doorway locked in what seemed like a hug that lasted forever, I felt so comforted with her in my arms. I felt relief in knowing she felt better with me there. And in turn made me feel calm and content.

Maybe I needed her just as much as she needed me?

Doing what you love is the cornerstone of having abundance in your life.

I think that there are certain careers out there that only a select few should be able to preform on a regular basis. Careers for special people who single handedly affect the lives of others in a major way. For instance; a teacher, a doctor and in today's case....a nurse. 

And just for kicks I have named her the miserable spawn of satan himself.

Spending the day in hospital I am sure is not on anyones list of favorite things to do. And what can obliterate that already completely horrendous day is a nurse who for some reason or another had a bad day or hates her life and takes it out on some of the most vulnerable people she has ever met...her patients and their worried families. 

Pretty sad case, isn't she.

Today at Toronto Western we had the joy of dealing with this nurse...but she crossed paths with the wrong people today let me tell ya. She comes over to where my little brother is psyching himself up for his intravenous needle, for me just a terrifying ordeal, and she grabs his arm aggressively and pokes him trying to find a vein. She misses, of course, and my little brother screams out in pain.

Now I am on my feet...she then yanks the misplaced needle out of his arm stating that it  is his fault that it hurt because he is tense. Duh...he is tense because of YOU! 

This irritates me further as she tries to blindly stick him again and thats when I said these eloquent and simple words, " Please stop, you are hurting him." 

She decides that the best thing for her to do at that moment is not respect what the patient and his family member are saying, but to argue at how "good she is at her job" and that I needed to "RELAX" and "I needed to leave" because I wanted to protect my little brother. 

Now doesn't this all seem like fun?

I guess the point I am trying to make is this simple, I have dealt with at least one person like this if not many more during all the hospital visits we have made, especially the ones at Princess Margaret Hospital, where the patients and families are using every ounce of energy and strength they have just to not break down everytime they walk through those hospital doors.

Here it is....for all the nurses and doctors who care for our loved ones worldwide; if you can't forget everything in you personal life and put a smile on the faces of your patients and families and if you do not absolutely love to brighten the day of everyone who walks through those hospital doors...

 GET ANOTHER CAREER!!   
                                        

Doing what you love is the cornerstone of having abundance in your life. And in loving your job the way that you should, you WILL brighten the day of someone who may have, just that morning, decided to quit fighting. You could change their life forever with just a simple smile.

"Work joyfully and peacefully, knowing that right thoughts and right efforts will inevitably bring about right results."

-- James Allen

"NOW THIS WON'T HURT A BIT..."

If you don't think every day is a great day.... try going without one.

6am. A new day to tackle.

Today I am taking my little brother, Robbie, to Toronto Western Hospital for a new treatment they are starting. It involves an iron infusion which is interesting. Being anemic myself, I know that having a steady amount of Iron in the system will eliminate the fatigue associated with anemia.Which is great if it works. Feeling drained all the time for no reason is awful.

I am hoping for a good, smooth day. I am already completely aware of the fact he does NOT want to be going to the hospital today (maybe it has something to do with the SMASHING of things and swearing since 4am...which on anyother day at any other time I would be perfeftly fine with...except that I stayed up till 1 am to make sure my mom's meds were taken properly to avoid any pain at all.)

Meh...I can't complain...we will just call it a sleepy day :)

So, Robbie is my second youngest half-brother. He is 19 years old but hasnt really had the opportunity to be a real and normal teenager. As a kid, Robbie was diagnosed with Crohn's and Colitis. Although I don't know everything there is to know about his disease, I know he has a hell of a time living a normal life....being a normal kid. And I am sure it is very difficult for my mom to see him suffering and not being able to help him right now, because she needs the help as welll...sounds kinda poopy, huh?

Dispite all these barriers, the world just kept on turning and today is a new day. A new day for hope....new opportunities....and I will embrace it!!

After my morning cup of tea, it is time for mom's first medications for today's pain prevention, anti seize meds for the nerves and post chemo fiasco. Since I have been organizing the medications since my arrival in Toronto..it is my job to explain all the meds to Robert (my step dad) today so my mom continues to be pain free. This new chemo is making her incredibly weepy and nauseous. More so than the last study thats for sure.

Hopefully things go smoothly today, my amazing Aunt (Zia Anna) has invited us over for dinner tonight. I think it would be awesome for Mom to get out an do something fun. It would also be nice for us to have dinner all together tonight. It makes me feel not so alone.

Well...I am off on another Hospital day....wish me luck.........

http://www.ccfc.ca/English/index.html

Impossible Request

So.....

I guess after the endless amount of advice given to me about talking about my emotions, my thoughts and fears...I thought It may just not be that bad of an idea. After all...it doesn't seem like anything could get any worse so why not give it a shot, right? So here goes....

My name is Jamie. I am 29 years young and until recently believed that good things happen to good people. It was in May of 2009, one day that not only changed my life forever but a day that the universe asked me an absolute IMPOSSIBLE request. It was until THAT day that I thought I knew everything about myself. It wasn't until THAT day that I felt completely and utterly powerless. It was THAT day that my mother was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. And that was an impossible reality to come to terms with.

You know...you say cancer these days and everyone can share a story of a family member or loved one. Some share stories of a miracle and others devastation. 

You can never really know how seriously evil and excruciating this disease really is until you see it in the eyes of someone you not only love, but owe your whole existence to. And there is nothing more unfair in this life than watching your mother cry in pain, fear and defeat and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I don't wish anyone has to experience this as I have. I feel like a superhero that has been stripped of her powers. It's completely heartbreaking.

Now...I am hoping with this new outlet to not only create a place where I can let go of some crazy emotional steam, but also receive some advice and support, have a chance to honour wonderful memories and stories that my mother continues to bring to my world everyday. Even a place I can tell my mom the things I don't yet have the courage to say. 

 

 

Thank You

To be a mother is not an easy task,
yet you do it proudly everyday no matter what is asked.
You have turned your baby into a beautiful young lady.
You were there for me since the very beginning and saved me countless tears.
The pushy and wise advice you gave will carry me through the years.
With my every mistake or wrongful deed,
you were always there to understand.
You put no limits on my dreams or anything else I wish to do.
You never forget to say you care or that you love me to.
The smile and tears upon your face when I achieve provides me with more value in my heart then you’d ever believe.
There is no other person that will shape my heart the way you’ve done,
your job finished perfectly for your precious daughter and sons.
We have had a rocky road through triumph and catastrophe, hard time and despair,
but not a single moment of time of not having a wonderful mother there.
You have always put in your last with love and my whole life is not enough time for me to repay you.
We always put our disagreements to the side and manage to make it through.
I know that my teen years have driven you crazy but you have guided me with assurance along the way.
You have given me comfort and certainty with every breath I take within the day.
Your little girl is growing up but your baby girl will always remain deep inside me.
There are not enough words that can thank you for everything you have helped me emotionally and physically.
I have my whole future ahead of me and you are the women that has leaded me and guided me towards the proper path.
How can one simple day prove that much thanks and love to someone who has pushed this far and still is working her way?

There is no one in this world who could love you more mother.

Source:) Thank You Mother http://www.familyfriendpoems.com