Our Hearts Will Always Touch

 I just wanted to share a poem I read on familyfriendpoems.com. It touched me and frightened me all at the same time. I hope you enjoy this prelude to my next entry.

Love Jamie  

 

Narny's Story

I wrote this after I lost my Mum to Cancer. We only found out 7 weeks before she past away about the disease. I was alone with mum when she passed away. I feel honored that she felt comfortable and safe to go peacefully in my arms however the vision of her last breath will play on my mind forever. I miss my mum so very much....SO VERY MUCH. She was my world (just like she always used to say to me). I pray she is happy and safe and I pray even harder that we meet again. I have to see my beautiful mum again. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MUMSY..Always and Forever...your Narny...xx

 

 

Our Hearts Will Always Touch

© Ranja Kujala

When I laid there beside you,
Could you feel me there?
My arms were wrapped around you,
And I was stroking your hair.

I was talking about all the good times,
For me they were every single day.
I wanted you to feel love and comfort,
And happy in some way.

I watched your every breath,
And prayed that each one wasn't your last.
The time we got to share together,
Went by too quick...Too fast.

I wanted you to wake up,
Please Mum...Open your eyes.
Tell me this is a nightmare,
And not our goodbyes.

As your last breath grew closer,
We layer there peacefully together.
My heart continually breaking,
Because I wanted you forever.

Then there it was,
Your final breath of air.
I didn't want to believe it,
This is so cruel and not fair.

I held your beautiful face,
And prayed you'd breath again.
I wasn't ready for you to go,
I couldn't admit that this was the end.

But then I realized that you were now in peace,
And not suffering anymore.
You were beginning the life of an Angel,
And your body would no loner be sore.

I held you close and squeezed you tight,
And tried to say goodbye.
I've lost my Mum and my number one best friend,
All my heart could do is cry.

I slowly got up,
I wanted so much to stay.
I leaned over and gave you one more kiss,
It was so hard to walk away.

Mum you are my entire world,
And I miss you so very much.
I wish I could feel your loveable cuddle,
And your soft and gentle touch.

But for now I have to wait,
Until we meet again.
You will always be in my heart and thoughts,
My dear Mum and best friend.

Always and Forever,
Our hearts will always touch.
Always and Forever,
Your baby girl loves you so much.

Read More: Our Hearts Will Always Touch

http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/sad/poetry.asp?poem=18270#ixzz1DhatrQig

Longing to Dance In The Rain

It kind of makes sense for there to be an "epic winter blizzard" going on right now. It kinda fits the chaotic and crazy life I am leading these days.

Wow.
I often wonder if God likes to pepper us with tough situations and pain to test our strength and prepare us for the cruel, sometimes tragic, reality of life or if he's singling me out!
Punishing me for that word that i had said, that law that i had broke or that lie that I had told.

After what was supposed to feel like a rest this weekend, I felt awful.
Feeling like you are getting sick in this family has added pressure because we CANNOT get Mom sick at ALL.
So as soon as I start to feel a tickle in my throat or a run in my nose or a sneeze coming on, panic starts to set in. So now on top of feeling sick and cold, I am completely terrified to get mom ill.
Its scary cause its completely out of my hands. All i can do is take the precautions and do my best to stay healthy for her.

Today is chemo day at Princess Margaret. The mood in the house is completely tense and uncomfortable the morning of chemo day. This new chemo knocked Mom right over and she was incredibly sick for days and days afterward. She is completely terrified and anxious and of course with those feelings come the tears.
I hate IT! I hate that she has to go through this ---I wish i take this from her!!

GIVE ME THE CANCER AND SET MOM FREE!! 

It makes me want to scream. 

You will NEVER understand the helplessness...NEVER!  

And of course on the most difficult days good old Mother Nature has to spank us with `the storm of the century`!!!
GRrrrrrrrreeeeeeeat!!
And just to throw one in for `good measure`---- the transmission quit working on the only vehicle we have---YESTERDAY!
I think I am starting to understand psychotic breaks and suicide just a little bit better.

So, thank goodness Zia lent us her second vehicle...don't know what we would have done.

Tuesday Morning, 7am, on my way up the 400 North to Jackson's Point to pick up Zia and start the trek back to Moms Condo.

We pick up Mom at about 10, get to Downsview Subway (because if I wasn't busy enough, the only appointment I could get to finish my dental work was today) and I met them there at Princess Margaret at 1 pm.

I got there and immediately went to the places Mom usually is; the Oncology Center (DR.MOORE) the Chemo Day Care Unit, The Palliative Care pain centre or (because of me and Zia) Druxy`s in the Main Lobby.

They were nowhere to be found AND no one knew where I could find them!!!!
UGH!

Finally, after the 3rd visit to the chemo day care unit, the secretary piped up and said, "Oh Yea, Billeter? She is on 14C?!"
She said it so matter-of-fact and like I should have known that or something!
I have never been to that floor ever!

So, there I was, riding the elevator for the 40th time, up to the 14th floor.
I hate those elevators, they are creepy and they smell so bad.
To freak me out even more, Mom decides to tell me that the reason why they smelled so bad was because they transport the dead in them.
Not a pleasant thought every time you step onto an elevator.

As I was riding up to the floor mom was on it dawned on me...why wasn't she in chemo? Why is she on a floor i have never been on? whats going on!!!! I then started to do the "Jamie Panic" and the hyperactivity began to consume me.
I must have looked completely lost and frantic because a little dude in some scrubs asked if he could guide me somewhere.
When I finally found moms room she looked awful, she kinda looked all pale in the face like someone with motion sickness. The doctor was explaining and then Zia reiterated that Mom had spiked a fever and had the cold sweats.

One more time evryone....GRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEAAAATTTT!!

Then Bernie walked in the room to give us some test results. Bernie is Moms oncology and chemo study nurse who has been with her every step of the way. Mom just LOVES her.
It seemed that Mom had a low grade fever ( but with cancer patients ANY fever is cause for alarm) and that the sores that the chemo gives her in and on her mouth may be infected and before it spreads to the blood stream we had to get it under control.
So they added 5 more medications to her daily routine.

Yippee
Now we can open our own Shopper's Drug Mart!

The chemo emergency nurse also stated that her platelets and white blood count was 1. I don't know really what that means,but they way she said it i knew it wasn't good.
I guess when it comes to blood cells, Ace isn't high, :-D Thats a little bit of cancer humour for ya..ha ha ha.

Anyhoo..they doctors also said that the low white count means she is susceptible to anything going around and with it being flu season, we have to take better precautions.
Take out the face masks.
The doctors said because of this and her magnesium being very low as well,would start a bag of magnesium a  that they would do a CT scan to check everything else before they decided CHEMO or NO CHEMO.

So, the tests came back positive for yet again pneumonia.
She JUST got over pneumonia 2 weeks ago!!
It NEVER ends!!

Mom, you are one of the strongest and bravest women i know, because i watch the pain you go through, and everyday you take it like a champ. A few crazy moments and tears here and there, but you are doing so good.
I am so proud of you.

I hope you know that besides every minute of everyday wishing, praying and PLEADING for a cure, i pray everyday for THAT day to be at least better than the last.

I Love you and can't wait for this cancer to leave our lives so me and you can once again dance barefoot in the rain.

Life is too short for traffic.

5:56 am.

Got a full 4 and a half hours last night. WOO-HOO.Would have slept a few hours longer except I told Jim to call and wake me up when he got home and it was too early.

Oh Well,  
it didn't matter much anyhow because Mom was in 
need of some extra TLC this  morning. 
 Come to think of  it the last three or four mornings have gone this way???
The last few nights she has woken  quite early and in a severe panic.
It scares the crap out of me not to mention again being slapped in the face with some helplessness because there is absolutely nothing i can do to help. 
I just grab her and squeeze until i feel her stop fighting it.

So... I'm getting ready for what I will assume will be the longest most tedious day ever...so...here we go!
Let's see what driving in Toronto in prime time rush

 hour, on only four hours of broken sleep and no Timmie's feels like, shall we?


Its now 9:24…

I am sitting in the cafe at Toronto Western Hospital hoping the time will go by as quick as possible with help from good ol' Timmy Ho’s, my laptop and Charlaine Harris. 

I don’t know if it was the smartest of ideas, but I dropped Robbie upstairs on the 4^Th floor and left him the hands of the same crazy nurse we had last Thursday!
Lucky him!!!

She was just a complete disgrace to medical personnel everywhere…I am dead serious.

Now I sit here with only me and my thoughts...well and of course the extremely entertaining passersby at Dundas and Bathurst. Can't forget about them!  :-)

Got in around ten minutes after after 2pm hoping to catch some quick Zs before I had to have mom up for the visit to the compassion clinic in Toronto. Not possible.

I knew right when we booked the Appointment and she said, 

"Okay so, 4 o'clock at Jarvis and Wellesley ok?" that it would be a lengthy trip. 

I was prepared. 

Two prime time rush hours in one day...I don't know how these commuters do it. 

Kudos to those who are mentally capable.  

Although I had lived in Toronto for seven years in my late teens and early 20's, for he last 2 years I have resided in a town that has a population of 1,500 people.

I had completely forgotten the torture called the "401" (16 lanes of traffic---GRIDLOCKED!) and we can't forget the Don Valley Parkway aka "The Don Vally Parking Lot". 

Fun, fun, fun.

The Toronto Compassion Centre is a medical type of facility that provides medical patients with different types of serious and painful illnesses with  medical marijuana. Its really funny for me to come home and see my mom with a bong I have to tell ya. But it works for her, and  keeps her hunger up which is an ongoing battle with her to get her to eat. 

I dropped her off at the "secret facility", you had to have some kind of secret password to even get the address from them over the phone....PARANOID MUCH! Maybe some of the employees have been dipping into the merchandise. :-)
Anyhow, she came out about 2 hours later with 3 little bags with three different labels on them. They read;

1. Simply Red - For Hunger

2. Skunk #1 - For Joy and Happiness

3. Sensi Star - For Relaxation.

Pretty neat that they break it down for you like that, and provide a different plant for different side effects, sounds way better for you than the pharmacy of medications she carries around with her.in her purse.
Besides, it helps her.... and she is happy, therefore, I am happy.

So now its 6 pm and we are leaving the heart of downtown Toronto. And can you guess what time it is????

Rush Hour!!!

So we beginning  the trek home, stop in on Spadina in China Town to pick up some heavenly take out and mom mentions she wants a small coffee. 

 I head toward Black Creek on Dundas not even worrying about finding a Tim's because hey....this IS Toronto. Or so I thought. 

 Just so everyone is aware, from Dundas and Bathurst to Black Creek Dr.,there are  ZERO Tim Horton's! ZERO!!!! 

When you don't want one there are 2 on every corner, BUT when your mom is complaining and laying out a guilt trip for a coffee that she never got and how dehydrated she is in bumper to bumper traffic, there is not one in sight. 

I tell ya, there should be a little smart car type vehicle that drives along the shoulder during rush hour delivering coffees to disgruntled drivers on their way home. 

Me and Mom finally arrived at the condo at 7:45 pm. After what seemed like an eternity in traffic, it felt amazing to get into some comfy PJ's, heat up some Chinese take out and cuddle on the couch for some American Idol. 

 "A commuter tie-up consists of you - and people who for some reason won't use public transit."

  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
 

Life

Life is hard,

Life is tough,

You need to be strong,

And never give up

 There may be days,
That never seem to end,
And you feel like you,
Don't have a friend,

But keep on walking
Down that road,
Your friends will follow
And bear your load,

 But face each day,
And what it brings,
And you'll be ready,
To face any thing.

 

 Jodie Cooke auxillary nurse, Ward 3 Wolverhampton Hospital, New Cross

I Wish I Could Stop The Rain From Falling

It was raining the day you told us,
And ever since its not stopped pouring down.
I wish I could stop the rain from falling,
Hold your head up and not let you drown.

I can see it has taken your smile,
As you stare and watch it rain.
I wish I could stop the rain from falling,
Hold your hand, take away your pain.

I wonder how you must be feeling inside,
I guess the rain reflects your outer side.
I wish I could stop the rain from falling,
And sit with you until it all subsides.

I wish that curse would disappear,
I wish that God could hear me calling,

I wish that you were not living in its fear,
I wish I could stop the rain from falling.

Poem Source Below. Improved and Edited by: Jamie Crispino (January 23/2011)

Source: (Do not remove) I Wish I Could Stop The Rain Falling, Cancer Poems http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/sad/poetry.asp?poem=28411#ixzz1Bv6Ne2XE

People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile.

Today me and Mom went shopping together to brighten our day. 

Still sad about Jim leaving and still recovering from a difficult night with her treatment, Mom and I decided what better way to brighten our blues then to go buy clothes and girlie accesories! 

I think this kind of outlet should be available to all women who are ill or depressed or overwhelmed. I say screw medication and therapy...GIVE ME THE CLOTHES!!

Its funny how something new can make you smile. Something shiny or colourful, something that smells sweet or leathery. Its just so fun to get that compliment on that new sweater you just picked up; you loved it so much you had to fight with yourself not to wear it right out of the store.

We went to Winners, one of my favorites (if you are in a browsing kind of mood). I didnt know how Mom would deal, didnt know if she would get tired right away, didnt know if she would feel uncomforatable or start to feel pain. I just decided to wing it. 

We separated in the store breifly and to my amazement Mom excitedly walked over asking for my opinion on the "cutest sweater." I was so happy that she found something that excited her. It was so cute.. and it had Mom written all over it!

We grabbed our picks and hand in hand went into the womens fitting room. I helped her try it on and the look on her face was so "bright" I couldnt help but smile. She asked if she should get it for herself and i said, "Definately, YES!!"

We walked out of the store like two little girls, hand in hand, got 2 Nestea Ice teas from the food court and left the mall with smiles from ear to ear. 

Its funny how something so small can make someone so happy and how just the shortest little shopping trip can bring two girls together. 

It was so great. It gave me warm fuzzies that lasted all day long.

My Prince

Today is miserable. 

Although Mom is having a wonderful day health wise...we both spent the morning in tears. 

Jim, my wonderful fiance that lives in Michigan, drove the long 9 hours to come visit and help me this weekend. He came on Friday after working overnight and drove straight here only to help and be here for me when i needed him. 

What kind of man is so self-less and amazing? 

God sent me an angel when he sent me James. 

I know it must be hard on him to give up one of the few days he has to rest from work and drive here. He stayed Friday night and left early this morning to drive another 9 hours and go straight to work. 

They don't make men like this anymore...I am sure of it. 

He is everything that is wonderful in my life. 

He is my rock. 

He is my best friend. 

So....this morning ...he left. 

You could imagine the amount of tears that were cried. Me and my mom could have filled a pool. 

I miss him already and its only been 2 hours. What makes it harder is that my Mom adores him, they sit and snuggle, and talk all the time, and completely care for eachother. He treats her like she is his mother and she treats him like her son and that makes my heart skip a beat. What more could I ask for.

What an awesome feeling knowing I finally found the kind of man every girl dreams of having. 

A true Prince Charming.

He is so understanding when It comes to all of this, we have been so strong within our relationship during this completely immposible time. I don't think I could have made it through without him, his love and support. 

It is hard to be so far from eachother, considering we have not been apart in the 3 years we have been together, but we are definately making it through this and it is making us stronger. I am so proud. 

This post today is in honour of my sweetheart , James Andrew Bartus ....every girls true Prince Charming.

Jim Jim and I                                                               Jim Jim and Mamma