What can I say about my the most amazing woman in the world....

Before I go on to celebrate my mother and what she meant to us,

I must share the reality of what life was like for her and my family after she was diagnosed.

Of course no one suffered more than my mom, but Robert and Robbie you are definitely second. We all shared in my moms pain.

It was like we were all on trial.

At any one point, as a family, we were in denial, we were angry or we were depressed. And there was conflict. We didn't agree with the doctors, we didn't always agree with each other, and mostly, amidst the confusion, we felt HELPLESS.

She, along with us all,fought as hard as she could. She was truly a force to be reckoned with.

I have asked myself over and over what i think my Mom would want for us right now. I think she would want us to live lives that we could be proud of. Lives that bring us joy, adventure and without a doubt...LOVE.

My mom was so incredible that even when she was face with fear and depression within her illness---she was the the one who kept US strong, she picked us up when WE were down and she gave US the strength when we felt defeated. Truly the most remarkable woman.

The eternal positive thinker she was---she was incredible. It was this amazing power of positive thought that made her the free-spirit she was. This, in turn, opened our eyes to endless possibilities in life and made us not only strong in our beliefs, but free to achieve our wildest dreams.

SKY IS THE LIMIT....THE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER!

One amazing example of this was her remarkable and imaginative family tradition on New Years Eve. It was a night we came together (even as adults) to create original and artistic posters outlining our dreams and aspirations for that upcoming year.

One constant subject on my mom's dream lists was the love and desire for travel.

Every year a different destination or a wonderful adventure.

She ADORED travelling, experiencing new things and tasting new foods. she passed this lust for life and yearn for new adventure not only onto all us kids, but everyone she met.

She inspired us all to see the world for the grand experience it could be.

My mom was truly an funny and free spirit. Tales of her crazy antics could make the saddest soul smile.

She would on any given day strap on some wings and sit at the kitchen table and declare to everyone that she was not cooking dinner that night because she was a fairy.

She made us laugh every time we came from school and buzzed to get into the building we live in.She would refuse to let us in until we said the magic words.

"What's the password?" she would ask, "You're skinny, beautiful, rich and juicy!"

She made everyone smile. She made people believe that they can do and be anything.

She was truly the most amazing woman this world has ever known.

She was powerful, spiritual, inspiring and completely giving of herself. 

She spent her life caring and doing so much for everyone so selflessly.

She always went out of her way for a loved one in need.

She was a counsellor, a confidant and a best-friend.

Anyone knew they could come to her or call no matter what the reason or circumstance.

She always honestly, rationally and lovingly made everything better.

She appreciated the tiniest things.

A beautiful sunset, a homemade birthday card, the way Max looked at her, or an awesome bowl of soup.

She loved being with the family, sitting on the dock on Trent River with a cup of coffee just as the sun came up, a song played by Robert on the guitar,a spontaneous piece of art or mosaic, an inspirational quote or an incredible book.

She loved the things many of us take for granted.

But most importantly, She love Me.

I was her princess.

And she always made me feel so special.

I can't remember a time she couldn't dry up my tears.

That was my Mom, she made everyone happy.

I'm sure the rest of my life i will see flashes of my

om in me--the good and the bad. I am definitely and proudly my mother's daughter. Each of you also carry a part of my mother in you and at times you will do or say something a certain way because of her.I hope you will always remember her for the incredible woman she was.

I honestly don't know how to do this. I don't know how to exist in a world where she doesn't. And when people say I wont ever hear her voice again it sounds like the craziest thing.

I wish I could tell you all that we will move on, that we will someday meet again, that she is in a better place, although sh is no longer in pain and suffering, I wish I could say that heaven had gained another angel, but i feel one has been taken from us.

A part of us died with my mom that day, a very important part. She was our families glue, she held us together.

And we will miss her everyday.

They say there is a reason,

They say that time will heal,

But neither time nor reason,

Will change the way i feel.

For no one knows the heartache,

That lies behind our smiles,

No one knows how many times,

We've broken down and cried.

We want to tell you something,

So there wont be any doubt,

You re so wonderful to think of,

But so hard to live without.

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living, My mommy you'll be.

I love you Mom.

Where has time gone?

I don’t see much off you any more,
I am always busy and you are always alone.
Time goes by so fast, every day that we have is unique,
and there will be no other like it.
Time doesn’t wait for any one and time passes for every one.
Imagine, every morning that you wake up God’s Hands open up to offer you a brand new day just for you,
one like no other; it is up to you what you do with it.
And every day I think “I need to make memories with my loved ones”,
“I need to tell them how much I care”.
It is another day and you are alone again,
I know that we will regret it but now I need to be away,
so today my day is gone and I didn’t make loving memories with you.
One of these days I am afraid that you will be gone,
and I will regret the time we didn’t share,
so I will try to remind you from time to time that we need to spend some time.
It is not that I am needy,
or maybe yes I am,
is just that I don’t want to waste the time that kindly God has granted me.
I dont want to regret forever not loving you like i could.

Our Hearts Will Always Touch

 I just wanted to share a poem I read on familyfriendpoems.com. It touched me and frightened me all at the same time. I hope you enjoy this prelude to my next entry.

Love Jamie  

 

Narny's Story

I wrote this after I lost my Mum to Cancer. We only found out 7 weeks before she past away about the disease. I was alone with mum when she passed away. I feel honored that she felt comfortable and safe to go peacefully in my arms however the vision of her last breath will play on my mind forever. I miss my mum so very much....SO VERY MUCH. She was my world (just like she always used to say to me). I pray she is happy and safe and I pray even harder that we meet again. I have to see my beautiful mum again. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MUMSY..Always and Forever...your Narny...xx

 

 

Our Hearts Will Always Touch

© Ranja Kujala

When I laid there beside you,
Could you feel me there?
My arms were wrapped around you,
And I was stroking your hair.

I was talking about all the good times,
For me they were every single day.
I wanted you to feel love and comfort,
And happy in some way.

I watched your every breath,
And prayed that each one wasn't your last.
The time we got to share together,
Went by too quick...Too fast.

I wanted you to wake up,
Please Mum...Open your eyes.
Tell me this is a nightmare,
And not our goodbyes.

As your last breath grew closer,
We layer there peacefully together.
My heart continually breaking,
Because I wanted you forever.

Then there it was,
Your final breath of air.
I didn't want to believe it,
This is so cruel and not fair.

I held your beautiful face,
And prayed you'd breath again.
I wasn't ready for you to go,
I couldn't admit that this was the end.

But then I realized that you were now in peace,
And not suffering anymore.
You were beginning the life of an Angel,
And your body would no loner be sore.

I held you close and squeezed you tight,
And tried to say goodbye.
I've lost my Mum and my number one best friend,
All my heart could do is cry.

I slowly got up,
I wanted so much to stay.
I leaned over and gave you one more kiss,
It was so hard to walk away.

Mum you are my entire world,
And I miss you so very much.
I wish I could feel your loveable cuddle,
And your soft and gentle touch.

But for now I have to wait,
Until we meet again.
You will always be in my heart and thoughts,
My dear Mum and best friend.

Always and Forever,
Our hearts will always touch.
Always and Forever,
Your baby girl loves you so much.

Read More: Our Hearts Will Always Touch

http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/sad/poetry.asp?poem=18270#ixzz1DhatrQig

Longing to Dance In The Rain

It kind of makes sense for there to be an "epic winter blizzard" going on right now. It kinda fits the chaotic and crazy life I am leading these days.

Wow.
I often wonder if God likes to pepper us with tough situations and pain to test our strength and prepare us for the cruel, sometimes tragic, reality of life or if he's singling me out!
Punishing me for that word that i had said, that law that i had broke or that lie that I had told.

After what was supposed to feel like a rest this weekend, I felt awful.
Feeling like you are getting sick in this family has added pressure because we CANNOT get Mom sick at ALL.
So as soon as I start to feel a tickle in my throat or a run in my nose or a sneeze coming on, panic starts to set in. So now on top of feeling sick and cold, I am completely terrified to get mom ill.
Its scary cause its completely out of my hands. All i can do is take the precautions and do my best to stay healthy for her.

Today is chemo day at Princess Margaret. The mood in the house is completely tense and uncomfortable the morning of chemo day. This new chemo knocked Mom right over and she was incredibly sick for days and days afterward. She is completely terrified and anxious and of course with those feelings come the tears.
I hate IT! I hate that she has to go through this ---I wish i take this from her!!

GIVE ME THE CANCER AND SET MOM FREE!! 

It makes me want to scream. 

You will NEVER understand the helplessness...NEVER!  

And of course on the most difficult days good old Mother Nature has to spank us with `the storm of the century`!!!
GRrrrrrrrreeeeeeeat!!
And just to throw one in for `good measure`---- the transmission quit working on the only vehicle we have---YESTERDAY!
I think I am starting to understand psychotic breaks and suicide just a little bit better.

So, thank goodness Zia lent us her second vehicle...don't know what we would have done.

Tuesday Morning, 7am, on my way up the 400 North to Jackson's Point to pick up Zia and start the trek back to Moms Condo.

We pick up Mom at about 10, get to Downsview Subway (because if I wasn't busy enough, the only appointment I could get to finish my dental work was today) and I met them there at Princess Margaret at 1 pm.

I got there and immediately went to the places Mom usually is; the Oncology Center (DR.MOORE) the Chemo Day Care Unit, The Palliative Care pain centre or (because of me and Zia) Druxy`s in the Main Lobby.

They were nowhere to be found AND no one knew where I could find them!!!!
UGH!

Finally, after the 3rd visit to the chemo day care unit, the secretary piped up and said, "Oh Yea, Billeter? She is on 14C?!"
She said it so matter-of-fact and like I should have known that or something!
I have never been to that floor ever!

So, there I was, riding the elevator for the 40th time, up to the 14th floor.
I hate those elevators, they are creepy and they smell so bad.
To freak me out even more, Mom decides to tell me that the reason why they smelled so bad was because they transport the dead in them.
Not a pleasant thought every time you step onto an elevator.

As I was riding up to the floor mom was on it dawned on me...why wasn't she in chemo? Why is she on a floor i have never been on? whats going on!!!! I then started to do the "Jamie Panic" and the hyperactivity began to consume me.
I must have looked completely lost and frantic because a little dude in some scrubs asked if he could guide me somewhere.
When I finally found moms room she looked awful, she kinda looked all pale in the face like someone with motion sickness. The doctor was explaining and then Zia reiterated that Mom had spiked a fever and had the cold sweats.

One more time evryone....GRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEAAAATTTT!!

Then Bernie walked in the room to give us some test results. Bernie is Moms oncology and chemo study nurse who has been with her every step of the way. Mom just LOVES her.
It seemed that Mom had a low grade fever ( but with cancer patients ANY fever is cause for alarm) and that the sores that the chemo gives her in and on her mouth may be infected and before it spreads to the blood stream we had to get it under control.
So they added 5 more medications to her daily routine.

Yippee
Now we can open our own Shopper's Drug Mart!

The chemo emergency nurse also stated that her platelets and white blood count was 1. I don't know really what that means,but they way she said it i knew it wasn't good.
I guess when it comes to blood cells, Ace isn't high, :-D Thats a little bit of cancer humour for ya..ha ha ha.

Anyhoo..they doctors also said that the low white count means she is susceptible to anything going around and with it being flu season, we have to take better precautions.
Take out the face masks.
The doctors said because of this and her magnesium being very low as well,would start a bag of magnesium a  that they would do a CT scan to check everything else before they decided CHEMO or NO CHEMO.

So, the tests came back positive for yet again pneumonia.
She JUST got over pneumonia 2 weeks ago!!
It NEVER ends!!

Mom, you are one of the strongest and bravest women i know, because i watch the pain you go through, and everyday you take it like a champ. A few crazy moments and tears here and there, but you are doing so good.
I am so proud of you.

I hope you know that besides every minute of everyday wishing, praying and PLEADING for a cure, i pray everyday for THAT day to be at least better than the last.

I Love you and can't wait for this cancer to leave our lives so me and you can once again dance barefoot in the rain.

Life is too short for traffic.

5:56 am.

Got a full 4 and a half hours last night. WOO-HOO.Would have slept a few hours longer except I told Jim to call and wake me up when he got home and it was too early.

Oh Well,  
it didn't matter much anyhow because Mom was in 
need of some extra TLC this  morning. 
 Come to think of  it the last three or four mornings have gone this way???
The last few nights she has woken  quite early and in a severe panic.
It scares the crap out of me not to mention again being slapped in the face with some helplessness because there is absolutely nothing i can do to help. 
I just grab her and squeeze until i feel her stop fighting it.

So... I'm getting ready for what I will assume will be the longest most tedious day ever...so...here we go!
Let's see what driving in Toronto in prime time rush

 hour, on only four hours of broken sleep and no Timmie's feels like, shall we?


Its now 9:24…

I am sitting in the cafe at Toronto Western Hospital hoping the time will go by as quick as possible with help from good ol' Timmy Ho’s, my laptop and Charlaine Harris. 

I don’t know if it was the smartest of ideas, but I dropped Robbie upstairs on the 4^Th floor and left him the hands of the same crazy nurse we had last Thursday!
Lucky him!!!

She was just a complete disgrace to medical personnel everywhere…I am dead serious.

Now I sit here with only me and my thoughts...well and of course the extremely entertaining passersby at Dundas and Bathurst. Can't forget about them!  :-)

Got in around ten minutes after after 2pm hoping to catch some quick Zs before I had to have mom up for the visit to the compassion clinic in Toronto. Not possible.

I knew right when we booked the Appointment and she said, 

"Okay so, 4 o'clock at Jarvis and Wellesley ok?" that it would be a lengthy trip. 

I was prepared. 

Two prime time rush hours in one day...I don't know how these commuters do it. 

Kudos to those who are mentally capable.  

Although I had lived in Toronto for seven years in my late teens and early 20's, for he last 2 years I have resided in a town that has a population of 1,500 people.

I had completely forgotten the torture called the "401" (16 lanes of traffic---GRIDLOCKED!) and we can't forget the Don Valley Parkway aka "The Don Vally Parking Lot". 

Fun, fun, fun.

The Toronto Compassion Centre is a medical type of facility that provides medical patients with different types of serious and painful illnesses with  medical marijuana. Its really funny for me to come home and see my mom with a bong I have to tell ya. But it works for her, and  keeps her hunger up which is an ongoing battle with her to get her to eat. 

I dropped her off at the "secret facility", you had to have some kind of secret password to even get the address from them over the phone....PARANOID MUCH! Maybe some of the employees have been dipping into the merchandise. :-)
Anyhow, she came out about 2 hours later with 3 little bags with three different labels on them. They read;

1. Simply Red - For Hunger

2. Skunk #1 - For Joy and Happiness

3. Sensi Star - For Relaxation.

Pretty neat that they break it down for you like that, and provide a different plant for different side effects, sounds way better for you than the pharmacy of medications she carries around with her.in her purse.
Besides, it helps her.... and she is happy, therefore, I am happy.

So now its 6 pm and we are leaving the heart of downtown Toronto. And can you guess what time it is????

Rush Hour!!!

So we beginning  the trek home, stop in on Spadina in China Town to pick up some heavenly take out and mom mentions she wants a small coffee. 

 I head toward Black Creek on Dundas not even worrying about finding a Tim's because hey....this IS Toronto. Or so I thought. 

 Just so everyone is aware, from Dundas and Bathurst to Black Creek Dr.,there are  ZERO Tim Horton's! ZERO!!!! 

When you don't want one there are 2 on every corner, BUT when your mom is complaining and laying out a guilt trip for a coffee that she never got and how dehydrated she is in bumper to bumper traffic, there is not one in sight. 

I tell ya, there should be a little smart car type vehicle that drives along the shoulder during rush hour delivering coffees to disgruntled drivers on their way home. 

Me and Mom finally arrived at the condo at 7:45 pm. After what seemed like an eternity in traffic, it felt amazing to get into some comfy PJ's, heat up some Chinese take out and cuddle on the couch for some American Idol. 

 "A commuter tie-up consists of you - and people who for some reason won't use public transit."

  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
 

Life

Life is hard,

Life is tough,

You need to be strong,

And never give up

 There may be days,
That never seem to end,
And you feel like you,
Don't have a friend,

But keep on walking
Down that road,
Your friends will follow
And bear your load,

 But face each day,
And what it brings,
And you'll be ready,
To face any thing.

 

 Jodie Cooke auxillary nurse, Ward 3 Wolverhampton Hospital, New Cross

I Wish I Could Stop The Rain From Falling

It was raining the day you told us,
And ever since its not stopped pouring down.
I wish I could stop the rain from falling,
Hold your head up and not let you drown.

I can see it has taken your smile,
As you stare and watch it rain.
I wish I could stop the rain from falling,
Hold your hand, take away your pain.

I wonder how you must be feeling inside,
I guess the rain reflects your outer side.
I wish I could stop the rain from falling,
And sit with you until it all subsides.

I wish that curse would disappear,
I wish that God could hear me calling,

I wish that you were not living in its fear,
I wish I could stop the rain from falling.

Poem Source Below. Improved and Edited by: Jamie Crispino (January 23/2011)

Source: (Do not remove) I Wish I Could Stop The Rain Falling, Cancer Poems http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/sad/poetry.asp?poem=28411#ixzz1Bv6Ne2XE