Our Hearts Will Always Touch

 I just wanted to share a poem I read on familyfriendpoems.com. It touched me and frightened me all at the same time. I hope you enjoy this prelude to my next entry.

Love Jamie  

 

Narny's Story

I wrote this after I lost my Mum to Cancer. We only found out 7 weeks before she past away about the disease. I was alone with mum when she passed away. I feel honored that she felt comfortable and safe to go peacefully in my arms however the vision of her last breath will play on my mind forever. I miss my mum so very much....SO VERY MUCH. She was my world (just like she always used to say to me). I pray she is happy and safe and I pray even harder that we meet again. I have to see my beautiful mum again. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MUMSY..Always and Forever...your Narny...xx

 

 

Our Hearts Will Always Touch

© Ranja Kujala

When I laid there beside you,
Could you feel me there?
My arms were wrapped around you,
And I was stroking your hair.

I was talking about all the good times,
For me they were every single day.
I wanted you to feel love and comfort,
And happy in some way.

I watched your every breath,
And prayed that each one wasn't your last.
The time we got to share together,
Went by too quick...Too fast.

I wanted you to wake up,
Please Mum...Open your eyes.
Tell me this is a nightmare,
And not our goodbyes.

As your last breath grew closer,
We layer there peacefully together.
My heart continually breaking,
Because I wanted you forever.

Then there it was,
Your final breath of air.
I didn't want to believe it,
This is so cruel and not fair.

I held your beautiful face,
And prayed you'd breath again.
I wasn't ready for you to go,
I couldn't admit that this was the end.

But then I realized that you were now in peace,
And not suffering anymore.
You were beginning the life of an Angel,
And your body would no loner be sore.

I held you close and squeezed you tight,
And tried to say goodbye.
I've lost my Mum and my number one best friend,
All my heart could do is cry.

I slowly got up,
I wanted so much to stay.
I leaned over and gave you one more kiss,
It was so hard to walk away.

Mum you are my entire world,
And I miss you so very much.
I wish I could feel your loveable cuddle,
And your soft and gentle touch.

But for now I have to wait,
Until we meet again.
You will always be in my heart and thoughts,
My dear Mum and best friend.

Always and Forever,
Our hearts will always touch.
Always and Forever,
Your baby girl loves you so much.

Read More: Our Hearts Will Always Touch

http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/sad/poetry.asp?poem=18270#ixzz1DhatrQig

Longing to Dance In The Rain

It kind of makes sense for there to be an "epic winter blizzard" going on right now. It kinda fits the chaotic and crazy life I am leading these days.

Wow.
I often wonder if God likes to pepper us with tough situations and pain to test our strength and prepare us for the cruel, sometimes tragic, reality of life or if he's singling me out!
Punishing me for that word that i had said, that law that i had broke or that lie that I had told.

After what was supposed to feel like a rest this weekend, I felt awful.
Feeling like you are getting sick in this family has added pressure because we CANNOT get Mom sick at ALL.
So as soon as I start to feel a tickle in my throat or a run in my nose or a sneeze coming on, panic starts to set in. So now on top of feeling sick and cold, I am completely terrified to get mom ill.
Its scary cause its completely out of my hands. All i can do is take the precautions and do my best to stay healthy for her.

Today is chemo day at Princess Margaret. The mood in the house is completely tense and uncomfortable the morning of chemo day. This new chemo knocked Mom right over and she was incredibly sick for days and days afterward. She is completely terrified and anxious and of course with those feelings come the tears.
I hate IT! I hate that she has to go through this ---I wish i take this from her!!

GIVE ME THE CANCER AND SET MOM FREE!! 

It makes me want to scream. 

You will NEVER understand the helplessness...NEVER!  

And of course on the most difficult days good old Mother Nature has to spank us with `the storm of the century`!!!
GRrrrrrrrreeeeeeeat!!
And just to throw one in for `good measure`---- the transmission quit working on the only vehicle we have---YESTERDAY!
I think I am starting to understand psychotic breaks and suicide just a little bit better.

So, thank goodness Zia lent us her second vehicle...don't know what we would have done.

Tuesday Morning, 7am, on my way up the 400 North to Jackson's Point to pick up Zia and start the trek back to Moms Condo.

We pick up Mom at about 10, get to Downsview Subway (because if I wasn't busy enough, the only appointment I could get to finish my dental work was today) and I met them there at Princess Margaret at 1 pm.

I got there and immediately went to the places Mom usually is; the Oncology Center (DR.MOORE) the Chemo Day Care Unit, The Palliative Care pain centre or (because of me and Zia) Druxy`s in the Main Lobby.

They were nowhere to be found AND no one knew where I could find them!!!!
UGH!

Finally, after the 3rd visit to the chemo day care unit, the secretary piped up and said, "Oh Yea, Billeter? She is on 14C?!"
She said it so matter-of-fact and like I should have known that or something!
I have never been to that floor ever!

So, there I was, riding the elevator for the 40th time, up to the 14th floor.
I hate those elevators, they are creepy and they smell so bad.
To freak me out even more, Mom decides to tell me that the reason why they smelled so bad was because they transport the dead in them.
Not a pleasant thought every time you step onto an elevator.

As I was riding up to the floor mom was on it dawned on me...why wasn't she in chemo? Why is she on a floor i have never been on? whats going on!!!! I then started to do the "Jamie Panic" and the hyperactivity began to consume me.
I must have looked completely lost and frantic because a little dude in some scrubs asked if he could guide me somewhere.
When I finally found moms room she looked awful, she kinda looked all pale in the face like someone with motion sickness. The doctor was explaining and then Zia reiterated that Mom had spiked a fever and had the cold sweats.

One more time evryone....GRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEAAAATTTT!!

Then Bernie walked in the room to give us some test results. Bernie is Moms oncology and chemo study nurse who has been with her every step of the way. Mom just LOVES her.
It seemed that Mom had a low grade fever ( but with cancer patients ANY fever is cause for alarm) and that the sores that the chemo gives her in and on her mouth may be infected and before it spreads to the blood stream we had to get it under control.
So they added 5 more medications to her daily routine.

Yippee
Now we can open our own Shopper's Drug Mart!

The chemo emergency nurse also stated that her platelets and white blood count was 1. I don't know really what that means,but they way she said it i knew it wasn't good.
I guess when it comes to blood cells, Ace isn't high, :-D Thats a little bit of cancer humour for ya..ha ha ha.

Anyhoo..they doctors also said that the low white count means she is susceptible to anything going around and with it being flu season, we have to take better precautions.
Take out the face masks.
The doctors said because of this and her magnesium being very low as well,would start a bag of magnesium a  that they would do a CT scan to check everything else before they decided CHEMO or NO CHEMO.

So, the tests came back positive for yet again pneumonia.
She JUST got over pneumonia 2 weeks ago!!
It NEVER ends!!

Mom, you are one of the strongest and bravest women i know, because i watch the pain you go through, and everyday you take it like a champ. A few crazy moments and tears here and there, but you are doing so good.
I am so proud of you.

I hope you know that besides every minute of everyday wishing, praying and PLEADING for a cure, i pray everyday for THAT day to be at least better than the last.

I Love you and can't wait for this cancer to leave our lives so me and you can once again dance barefoot in the rain.